I had a pretty good day, but a rotten hour right in the middle. In trying to get the kids into swimsuits and out of the house in time for lessons amid dawdling, whining, defiance, lack of attention, I lost it. Some days I can take these frustrations in stride, others I just don't have the tolerance, and today was one of the latter. Then when Elliot laughed at my yelling, I took "lost it" to a whole new level. Man I sucked.
There are many things I swore I'd never do as a mom. Some I've changed my mind on - I'd put a harness on my kid the second s/he needed one to keep her/him safe. Others I still strive not to do. Daily I start over, make a conscious effort to do it differently. Some days, even weeks, I do well with my resolutions, and others I don't. Today I didn't.
Why is it I would talk to my children, seemingly the most important people in my life, in a way I would never dream of addressing a stranger? I've met some pretty rude, ignorant, mean-spirited strangers, and never once have I treated one of them the way I did my kids today. Why is it that their whining and seemingly needless tantrums are not tolerated yet when I don't get my way (as in out the door with shoes, jackets and swim gear by 4:00pm sharp) I throw one of my own that would rival any they've thrown... ever?
Today's post is hard to write. It's embarassing and hurtful. It makes me sick to think they see me act that way. What am I teaching them? Who do they think I am? What will they remember of me? My time with them is so limited, both in terms of daily or weekly schedules and in terms of years before they're gone, I hate that I have moments like this that are wasted and ruined. I can't take it back. I can resolve not to repeat it, but history has shown I more than likely will. While this post was rumbling around in my head, I didn't want to 'fess up and type it out... but somehow doing just that forces some accountability, taking some responsibility and ownership.
Sigh.
N
8 comments:
I'm sorry you had one of those moments... Doesn't it suck how five minutes of bad overshadows an entire day of good? :(
All of those kids know that you love them. The fact that you're upset about this is only one indicator of your love and respect for them. Tomorrow will be better. Hugs.
Oh how I hate days like that. Don't be too hard on yourself. We've all been there, and anyone who says they haven't isn't being honest with themselves.
Tomorrow is a brand new day and a great opportunity for a do-over.
Nat...you are human and that is why you had a bad hour. It happens and when it does, you wind up yelling, screaming or even, God forbid, slapping acoss the face that child you hold most dear. I hope now, you realize that it happens to all of us. They will not think any worse of you because they know you love them with all their heart. Is that not true of all generations? I know and understand your pain...I have been there and you are the proof. I love you with all of my heart. You are my heart!!!!
Oh Nat, please don't be hard on yourself. Me myself was pretty mean to my kids this am... we are human after all and have bad moments too. Your children love you just as you love them and they won't take it into account. They do realize you're human. Experiences like this one make us stronger... just take a deep breath. It's happened, that's it... no turning back... just moving on!
HUGS
We all have days like that. Don't be too hard on yourself.
You're only human and we all have days like that. The kids won't remember the "off" days (I hope not!) but they will remember all the love and laughs (yes, even at our expense!). Hang in there!
Doreen in Montreal single mom to Faith-Jiangxi & Mia-Sichuan
Awww, don't be hard on yourself Natalie. You've come through so much in the past 2 months yourself. You've been so strong and an awesome Mom.
It's just a teeny tiny time of negative, in respect to all the good times.
Hugs, Jill.
Nat,
I completely understand where you are coming from but we all (moms and dads) need to remember that we do everything out of love...but still sometimes we get frustrated. We are human...just think of it as a one (of the million) temper tantrums our kids have had. We do tend to forget those over time and remember the funny and happy moments...so they will forget ours as well!
At least that's how I rationalize my bad days!
I must admit, this post made me think a lot this week though, so thank you so much for sharing such an intimate part of you life with us.
Jenn
xo
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