Family Dynamics

While the last few weeks have been everything from joyful to frustrating, heart warming to heart wrenching to the Mother in me, the researcher in me has found the time fascinating. I've loved watching my Munsters interact with each other and with us in the face of their new family.

Jack turned six while we were away and has become so mature (for the most part). I knew this somewhere, but it has really become evident since AnnaWen has been home. He adores her, and seems to know just how to approach her. He's gentle and firm, but not overbearing. He knows how to get her interested in something and knows how to comfort her. And the result of his hard work is her undying love and devotion. She is smitten with him. When he comes into the room, her eyes light up. She follows him around and copies his games, laughs when he laughs and is very concerned if he's upset. She talks about him and asks about him, calling him Gege (big brother in Mandarin); "Gege all done" and "Gege pee" and "Gege go?" when he's at school. The other night when I was mean enough to put her into bed, she cried "Mama!" and when that didn't work and I still put her in bed she cried "BABA!" and when that didnt' work she cried out "GEGE! (come save me from these wretched parents of ours!)".

Elliot is four and a half. He has always loved babies and children smaller than himself. He spots every baby in the mall and coos and smiles at them. He "helps" the smaller children at daycare, holding their hands to help them walk, passing them toys, putting on socks and shoes. When asked what he wanted to be, his chosen profession used to be "a Daddy" (now he'll answer "race car driver" with daddy added on if pushed). He loves Anna HARD. He adores her and wants her to love him so badly it hurts me. The problem is he has no sense of personal space - never has. I've always had to remind him not to get to close to babies we don't know and not to touch (or just touch their hands). He's always hugging and loving on the smaller kids at daycare; some don't care and some do. Anna does. She has become defensive when he's around her, putting up her hand and shouting "NO!" before he gets within touching distance. But he keeps trying. We're working with him to teach him how to ask for hugs and kisses and he's doing better, but he still doesn't like to take "no" for an answer and will sneak a hug if she has said no and he thinks we're not looking.

Paxten is Wen's 'virtual twin' being only two months older than her. Being so close in age, being the oldest 'baby' we've had and being the only girl, it was PJ that I worried about most with respect to this transition. She was as excited as the boys about Anna coming home, but being only two, I knew she didn't really understand what changes that would mean in her life. Initially she was as thrilled as the boys, but the novelty has worn off on her much faster than her brothers. Of course, it hasnt' helped that she's been the target of Wen's aggression and efforts to establish 'pecking order' standing with pinches, hits and pushes. To her credit, Paxten has been good about sharing most toys most of the time. In the last few days she has taken a new interest in playing with AnnaWen and supporting thier play together by making sure Wen has a similar toy and is following her directions and copying her actions. Wen is inconsistently interested and cooperative, but it's improving and the aggression has all but trailed off in the last few days (or at least evened out). The other night, when I left the room under Wen's protest (but without tears!) I could hear Paxten assuring her "You're okay AnnaWen, I'm the big sister. I'm here and I'm the big sister!" She's thrilled to be a big sister now, and has announced every day "I'm a big sister today, Momma!" And so far she's doing very well with her new role.

AnnaWen has had the biggest life change, and I'm so proud of her courage and personality. She has taken the last five weeks in her life with a smile. While she's had some moments of fear, frustration and grief, she has spent most of her time with us as a happy, curious little girl. I continue to be worried that her bravado may be warning signs of weak or disordered attachment, but I do believe she's making progress in that area as well. She continues to show preference for Steve and I over other adults, looks for us when she's upset or scared (she got separated from us at a store the other day and cried out "Momma!") and allows us to comfort her at those times. While she finds it hard to share us (mostly Steve) with her Munster Sibs, and tries to push them out of his lap, I think she genuinely enjoys being part of the pack. Today my mom took us to the movies and the kids were running through the lobby and halls of the Centre looking for our theatre. She was laughing out loud and trying to keep up.

All in all, I think they're doing just fine!

N