A Post on Nothing

Nothing b/c I'm too lost to post details. I don't mean to be dramatic, it's really not that big of a deal at all, but in the moment, the details are overwhelming. I'm so frustrated that I don't want to talk about it. I don't want advise, I don't want assurances, I don't want reprimands. I do want to vent and I do want chocolate, but it's too late for the latter so we're stuck with the former.

A friend emailed me to say it made her laugh when I wrote to another mom "I just don't want to fuck it up". (hey K ;)!). I'm always pleased to be a source of amusement. Hey I stoop to sarcasm, you know "the lowest form", on a regular basis. But "I don't want to fuck it up" isn't meant just as a funny comment, it could very well be my Parenting Philosophy. I Just Don't Want to Fuck It Up. I have many roles in my daily routines, but my most important one, for my entire life, will be Their Mother. And if I do anything right (not perfect, but more pluses than minuses), it should be that. In the moment, caught within the details I can be paralyzed over the smallest decision by that voice - 'don't fuck this up'. I reason with myself "If I choose this, what is the worst that can happen?" (usually not that bad) or "Is this choice permanent?" (usually no) but the best is "Will this still be a problem when s/he's heading to university?" (in my darkest moments The Voice answers, 'yeah right, IF they ever get that far!' SHUT UP VOICE!). But what poor decision may start down a slippery slope? What moment may be identified as decisive in five, ten, fifteen years? This one? Tomorrow? Next week? When I get there, I don't want to fuck it up.

So in this moment I do the best I can. I tell myself it's temporary, it's details, it's not going to be an issue when s/he's 18. And I cross my fingers, wish on numbers, say prayers and hope for the best. And sometimes I eat chocolate.

N