Nights

Days are easy and go by fast - lots to do to distract me - kids, pup, house, job, friends, tv...

Nights are harder. At night when it's quiet my mind goes into overdrive. I think and think and think. I think about Anna, I think about ChunWen - they are starting to blend into one but it's a process that is confusing to feel and impossible to describe. I worry about her. I worry about her health, her safety, her comfort, her future. I worry about her needs, and that we'll manage them in a way that gives her access to every potential. I worry about Jack and Elliot and mostly Paxten and how they will adjust to this adoption. I worry about the immediate practicalities: funds to complete the adoption, sleeping arrangements, work schedules, daycare...

In the day, I'm excited and confident. At night I'm anxious. This dream has been weaving for over two years, and now as it wakes into reality I have a hard time believing it. Somehow my superstition questions if that misbelief represents a sign that things aren't right, or won't be right. I can't imagine it happening, which scares me that it won't. My head knows this is silly, my stomach does not.

It's been a bumpy ride to date. I guess I'm finding it hard to believe that we don't have obsticles in our way still... Suddenly we're as close as we've been, while at the same time have the most to lose.

N