On Insomnia and tantrums (D35)

We had a fantastic long weekend. Steve took Monday off as it was his birthday and Tuesday was Canada Day, so we had four days off together - the longest vacation we'll have before we go to China. We hung out at home, chiselling out some single adult time with boy and girl friends, the spent the second half at Steve's parents' playing, napping and eating.

Yesterday was a typical day - I was outside, did some physical cleaning, ate well and early, went to bed at a regular time and caught up on my computer stuff... Without going into the gorey details, I can just say I heard the clock strike 4am. I don't think I was awake that whole time, but when I did doze, it was fitful because I thought I wasnt' sleeping and knew the alarm was going off at 6am. I'd guess I had 3 hours sleep in total.

Tonight I got home after the kids were in bed... but the worst was yet to come. Jack and Elliot have been having trouble settling in the same room again. I am at a loss of how to get them to cooperate. We're not asking for silence, but staying in bed and refraining from jumping out of the top bunk would be a start. We've tried taking away privilages, we've tried encouraging them to earn extras - everything works for a while then stops working. SO frustrating. Meanwhile, Paxten has worked herself into a multiple visit bedtime routine. She goes down fine, then five minutes later starts to cry. I'll use the "royal we" to save Steve the embarrassment of blame but it really is HIS fault. She'd cry, he'd go up to find she wanted to be covered up or something like that. When we caught onto this pattern, we started saying "no" but it was too late. Her crying escalates to screaming and you'd think she had just lost a foot. Tonight it lasted an hour. Screaming for an hour. Damned if you do, damned if you don't - sitting here listening to her scream makes me feel evil... going up to talk to her reinforces the screaming. We can't win.

How is Annawen going to fit into all of this? She and Tink are sharing a room, as it stands now. We'll have to see how it plays out. She will likely sleep better in a room with someone else, rather than alone as she's never spent a night alone. Tonight's drama scares me in terms of how to parent four different children. I use my behaviouralist training in parenting my children. I try to look at their negative behaviour and act to avoid reinforcing it's intent. PJ wanted us to come up, she screamed, we ignore it. Going up will reinforce the screaming. The boys don't settle, they face consequences that are supposed to encourage different choices next time. I don't claim that either works, but it works best for us right now. Our Munsters have been raised to this point with independence in mind. They were not carried or entertained, we used swings, J.olly J.umpers, B.umbos, E.xersaucers, we encouraged them to play alone, and with each other. We stopped using strollers shortly after each of them could walk - PJ hasnt' been in a stroller in over a year. But that works because they have known since before they were born that they are ours, they are loved and safe and cared for.

Annawen needs to learn that. In her short life, by the time we bring her home, she will have lost everything she ever knew... the woman whose voice she heard inutero and for the first months of life, the caregivers and peers she has been with in the orphanage, the sounds of her language, the smell and taste of her foods... she will have no reason to think we're here to stay, no reason to trust us. So where we feel confident to let Little Miss cry herself to sleep because we have set a limit and followed through, it will be a long time before we know Anna has the confidence and trust to withstand that technique. Our approach to Annawen will be opposite in many ways to how we've raised her siblings... how do we find balance in that contradiction? What Anna will NEED is very different than what her siblings need, but they are to young to understand that. I'm terrified we'll hatch resentment between the four of them by meeting individual needs and terrified we'll fail to meet each of their individual needs in an effort to parent them fairly.

Where are the answers?

N