Who's Afraid of the Big Bad...

Fear: Fear is an emotional response to tangible and realistic dangers. Fear should be distinguished from anxiety, an emotion that often arises out of proportion to the actual threat or danger involved, and can be subjectively experienced without any specific attention to the threatening object... according to Wikipedia.org.

Steve and I got to see The B.ucket L.ist last night - thanks to a birthday gc to the movies from Glenda and sitting services from Steve's mom. Starring Jack Nicholson and Morgan Freeman - how can you go wrong? - it was a fantastic movie, but not the side-splitting comedy I anticipated from the previews. The previews showed every funny moment in the movie, the rest of the movie was wonderful, but far from humourous. It was a touching, inspiring story about two men fulfilling dreams and living their last months outside boundaries established to that point, about facing fear and acting in spite of it. And yet it left me terrified.

I don't remember being afraid of much when I was younger. I've always been a thrill seeker, loving heights and speeds. I admit to having unreasonable fears; I can not be in a dark bathroom with a mirror, starfish give me the creeps, I once ruined a late, starlit date/ride on a four-wheeler through the woods with Steve because every time he stopped to turn around I was convinced either a bear or a movie-type zombie would come out of the bushes and pull me off the back. I can't watch horror movies, even dumb ones. But I don't remember being afraid of the big stuff like death, and life.

I don't remember when it changed, though I suspect it started when I got married and worsened when I became pregnant with Jack. I remember in my early weeks experiencing fear that I would lose the pregnancy so convincing that when I used the washroom I was sometimes surprized there was no blood. Fear of Loss is the biggest I think; fear of losing Steve or one of the children, and fear of facing the rest of my life without them - if I let my mind wander it can bring me to tears and nausea. Don't get me wrong, I don't dwell on such dark thoughts, but when I watch such-themed movies (The B.ucket L.ist, S.tepmom) or Steve's later than expected getting home, I sometimes have a hard time turning it off. Fear of Loss and Death seem reasonable.

The more surprizing is my Fear of Life... I've found myself terrified by change and time passing. Even good change. I've met the imminent arrival of each of my children with two emotions, first being joy, second being fear which seems to get bigger with each child, each time wondering "It's so close to perfect now... why roll the dice again?". If you change "perfect" how can it stay as "perfect"? Each time the fear has been unfounded, and I have confidence it will be again, but that whisper of doubt lingers. I fear the passing of time. I fear holes in my memory. My children were tiny, helpless babies just months ago, and now they're reading, writing, talking, walking, running, jumping... and sadly I often can't remember how we got from there to here which makes me terrified of forgetting NOW. I've been told a million times to enjoy it while it lasts because time will pass so quickly, I really Get that now. Time is speeding at a rate that leaves me more dizzy and tossled than any roller coaster or spinning ride.

I've tried to determine what has changed from the times when unlikely encounters with starfish or zombies was my biggest concern to now when fear of anything but standing still can paralyze me (and I fear standing still and missing it all too). I realize the changes lie in the gains I've made. Ten years ago I had little to lose compared with what I have now in my husband and children and our life together. I've always had family and friends who were dear and important but in my husband and children lives my heart and my life. Right now is so good, I don't want to miss a moment, and yet the moments slip through my fingers as sand - the tighter I squeeze my fists the faster the grains fly.


N