Picture it... Sicily... or the Superstore in any Canadian city. A woman is glowing with obvious pregnancy, round in the middle and grinning at any opportunity to discuss the baby she is expecting. I've been there... willing and eager to discuss a wide range of topics with strangers - the due date, the name, the gender, the presence of siblings and their opinion of the baby to be, etc... but even with her excited and open attitude towards sharing her pgcy with strangers there are questions that the cashier or the busybody behind her would never dream of asking:
1. How many times did you have sex to get that way?
2. Which sexual position were you in when you finally got pregnant?
3. Why do you want a third child? isn't the first two enough?
4. How much weight have you gained?
5. Did you need to take drugs to get pregnant?
6. Aren't you worried that baby will be sick? what if it's not perfect?
Okay, okay, you're right. There are stupid people out there who have asked most of those questions, but the vast majority of the population understands such questions are inappropriate (from anyone but a fellow pregnant girlfriend that is).
So why do they ask such personal questions of us when they learn we're adopting? I found a hip hammock! which is another post in itself, so I'll go on with the original story. I went to pick it up at the owner's workplace and she was in a meeting. The receptionist had been left with the hammock and handed it over asking if I was having a baby. I smiled and said we were adopting, and on came the questions... three questions in she asked
"How much did it cost you?"
I've heard this question several times, both directly and by report from other adoptive parents. Apparently, once we have Anna home, it'll morph into it's even more offensive cousin "How much did SHE cost you?" It takes conscious effort, a deep breath and self reminder that the question itself is innocently drawn from the speaker's ignorance. Like before, I smile, dodge the question and correct her that adopting her doesn't cost us anything, but there are fees involved in legal proceedures and travel, for example. What I really want to do, and just may if someone ever catches me at a bad enough time, is look them straight in the eye and ask THEM how much the plastic surgery to remove their foot from their mouth is estimated to cost. Either that or tell them to fuck off, that always works. Children are not a commodity. We are not paying for Anna. We are paying professionals to facilitate the process so it is legal and efficient. I'm floored that in a society where salary and expenses are considered private a stranger feels comfortable enough to voice such a question.
SO, be it a lesson or a warning, because I do know people are curious and innocent in their questions about adoption and may want to approach adoptive moms out in the community - much of it is none of your business. The process is painful and stressful. The end result, while a miracle in itself, comes at a great loss to the child and what little identity they salvage and retain in their new life must be protected with discretion and respect. As with any other expectant parent, we and our peers are usually thrilled to discuss our children in terms of generalities; gender, age, name, location but anything personal and/or specific should be considered off limits.
There, I've had my rant... trying not trip on my way off the soap box.
N
4 comments:
I'm stunned that people - most especially strangers - would ask such personal questions! I think your standard comeback is appropriate. :)
asorry...could not disagree more. Of course there are inappropriate qwuestions...I'm sure I've asked a few myself! Most people are extremely innocent and do not realize that their conversations may be intrusive. They are asking from genuine interest. It is kinda like the movie star who is ticked off because someone is asking for an autograph. Comes with the territory. NOONE says it is right or that it is acceptable. It just does!!!!!!! I did not ask the "obviously white" mom about her two children who were not "white" but when discussing the situation with you, I made the error of origin...apparently "a racist" word not a word of origin. Go figure!!!!!
I am always amazed how people think we know everyone else who has adopted. I feel like saying "Oh, your child has red hair, so and so has a child with red hair you must know them."
Or
The money thing. I have started to say "Not as much as it costs our government to support a teenage mother on welfare."
Not nice I know but you tend to get sick of things like this. And my ever popular unfavorite. How is her English? My God people we adopted her at a year, and we don't speak Chinese how do you think her English is.
Sorry had to rant along with you!!
I don't think adopting is quite the same as the celebrity situation. :) Celebrities choose their occupation with the sole intent of becoming famous or well-known. Choosing to parent a child isn't a decision made to attract attention from the masses.
I'm afraid that intrusive questions will arise, but there's always the ole stand-by reply! :D Ha!
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