One more?

I'll be the first to admit that I'm pretty damned lucky. I've been given the opportunity to make a home and raise a family with a man who I adore. Our children are incredible - really, all bias aside, they're something else. Smart, funny, affectionate, independent, empathetic, imaginative and ambitious - with less than 10 years of age combined! I'm amazed how they act towards each other; how Elliot will suspend his bedtime tantrum because Paxten Julia has come in to give him a good night snuggle (don't worry, it's quickly resumed upon her departure), how the boys can taunt each other one minute and defend each other at all costs the next, how Jack insists that Paxten sits beside him for each meal, and anticipates her reach for his knife with the forethought to move it before she gets there. For sure they have their moments of tantrums, defiance, nastiness - I think they actually have some other kids' moments too as there seem to be more of them lately. But overall they're pretty close to perfect.

Sometimes they're too close to perfect - it scares me just a bit. I mean, if we have it so good - three healthy, happy kids - why roll the dice again? Especially with something as unpredictable as International Adoption. If we chose to have another "home grown" baby, I could control prenatal health by not drinking, eating right and exercising, I could nurse the baby for the first year to maximize the immune system and nutrition, the baby would be well watched and cared for from the very beginning. With IA we can't ensure any of that. We've three happy, healthy kids, why risk having a fourth who isn't healthy, isn't happy - what could this adoption do to our family dynamic? to our childrens' relationships?

Ah, and you expect what follows is an enlightened, well thought out explanation of why it's worth the risk - brought to realization through reading, research and experience, presented in a witty yet touching narrative. Nope. No answers. No idea really. I do know I felt this way before Elliot and before Paxten. With both of those positive pregnancy tests, one of my first thoughts was a moment of terror thinking "What have I done?" But it seems to have worked out.

I AM scared that we'll be referred a baby that is less perfect than the standard we've come to expect. I'm scared that we'll be given a baby with challenges that will overwhelm us and monopolize the resourses we planned to spread equally over four children. "They" say we're only given what we can handle, but I'm not interested in learning where my breaking point may be. Most of all, I'm afraid of two things: 1. That if we're given a child with more challenges than I expect, I will regret our choice. I'm terrified I'll look back and think "We had it good, why didn't we walk away?". And 2. That, given a reason, the children we have will resent our decision to adopt.

Most of the time, I ignore these fears behind my rose-coloured shades.

Sometimes I tackle them head on and this is what has made me feel better so far. I try to put myself back in the moments of doubt with Elliot's and Paxten's impending arrivals and see if there was any justification to that concern. I found out I was pregnant with Elliot during nap time. Steve and Jack were asleep, Rookie and I were headed out to walk through the woods. I had a whole hour in which only Rookie and I knew Elliot was coming. I wondered "What am I doing to Jack", what will sharing us with a sibling do to him and his development? Without a doubt, Elliot has given so much more to Jack than he has taken away. They are best friends, competitors, supporters, defenders. They push each other to improve and change, they laugh together and conspire together. Throw Paxten into the mix. She's just getting to the age where she's playing and interactive with the boys but I can already be reassured by their budding relationships that she is exactly what they needed.

Though the past can't predict the future, it's a pretty good indication. In the end, I choose to believe that if this adoption is as destined as it feels, then there must be a plan for how we'll face the challenges that come with it. In the end, my goal is that Anna will be their sister. Not their adopted sister, not their Chinese sister, just their sister. If we manage that, then there's no reason to worry she won't fit in. If we fulfil this goal, the question of "Should we adopt?" will seem as rediculous as "should we have a third baby?" I am longing for the moment past the wait, the uncertainty, when I can't remember our family without her.

N