The Fight to Lose

I read and post on a couple message boards focusing on C-IA. It seems the waiting parents feel the need to compete for the prize for "Hurting Most" during the wait. Each parent expresses how they must have the worst waiting for a specific reason, which include:

"I was told 6 months, I'm now onto 18 months, it's been hardest for me"
"I've known from the beginning it would be 18 months, it's been hardest for me"
"I've been waiting so long, even though I'm almost there, it's hardest for me"
"I'm just at the beginning, I have so much longer to wait, it's hardest for me"
and so it goes ...

My favourite one yet is: "I have no children, it's hardest for me". One poster expressed that she was sick of hearing people who were already parenting children complain about the growing age gap between their children because of the wait. I bit my tongue and didn't reply "I'm sick of hearing people argue why their wait is hardest!" Others posted that they felt couples without children should be prioritized. One went so far as to say that parents with children should be ineligible. Others posted that it was selfish for people who could have biological children to "take a child from someone who can't" by pursuing adoption.

I can understand her point to some degree. I mean, I have what each of them wants - three beautiful, healthy, smart, good kids. I can understand the "you've had your turn, can I have mine?" mindset. That would make sense for almost anything but children. When we decided to start our family, I longed for a baby. I knew we were meant to have children one way or another. By the grace of God, I was able to conceive and carry healthy children. I have enough friends struggling to do so to know how fortunate we were to be able to do that. Our children are our life, the centre of our universe and currently the most pressing reason for our existance, I adore and enjoy them, savour them, but I feel our family is incomplete. Just as when we started, I long for a baby to finish our family. I feel like someone is missing. I feel there's a child who is meant to be with us, who is not. Interestingly enough, that feeling is not much different waiting for our fourth as it was waiting for our first.

Tying this back to the argument that a childless couple must hurt more during the wait - I just can't agree... I think missing a child, wanting a child, and believing a child is meant to be with you is a feeling that does not vary in degree based on life circumstances such as money, geography, marriage status, sexual orientation or status as parents.

We have a daughter that we dream of, have named, have invisioned, have sought out... her current absense from our family is tangible in our conversations, our dining table, our bedroom arrangements. The thought of the ever increasing wait to go find her is enough to knock the wind out of me and turn my stomach.

Another aspect of their argument that I don't like to hear is the insinuation that because I wish, hope, pray, long... ACHE for our daughter to be, I must be ungrateful for the children I have. Nothing can be further from the truth.

I have witnessed the loss of a child. Seeing that has changed me completely and indefinitely, specifically changing how I parent my children. Even in my most hairied, frazzled, frustrating days as a Mom, I take time to cherish my children and observe my gratitude for the blessing bestowed on me to be their mother.

It all comes down to perspective and personal experience... they can't know mine any more than I can know theirs.

N