There has been discussion in one of my frequented cyber-rooms of the possibility of a referral for a boy, and how each poster would respond... It brings up a lot of questions.
When we first started talking about adopting from China, I was newly pregnant with Little Miss and worried she'd be a he and I wouldn't get to experience parenting a daughter. As much as I adore my boys, I always wanted at least one of each gender. The discussion of "if this one is a boy, we can look at adopting a girl from somewhere" got me through the first several months of uncertainty - an overpriced ultrasound confirming the absence of a penis got me through to her birth. Somewhere after we found out PJ was a girl, before she was born the "well, why not adopt a girl anyway?" discussion surfaced and our journey to China and to Anna began to take shape.
When we applied to the CCAA asking them to give us one of their orphans to love and raise, we asked specifically for "a girl, as young as possible between 6months and 18 months". Since applying, my reading has brought me to realize that the CCAA doesn't seem to give two hoots about what you ask for. They reportedly have given children of different ages and yes, even boys to people requesting girls. One family even reported that a couple received a girl when they asked for "either gender" and another couple in the same group received a boy even though they requested a girl.
Truth is, referrals of boys are few and far between. For the most part, the babies who are abaondoned are girls because sons are held to a higher level of importance and insure greater security in old age than daughters. So, most children in orphanages are girls. In other IA programmes, adoptive parents are not allowed to specify their preference for gender, you get what you get. China has always been open to requests for gender, and often people adopting from China are doing so in part because of the high likelihood of a daughter referral - that's why we started there. But I wonder with the stories of "mis-matched" children with requests for age or gender if the CCAA even cares what you ask for? Should they? I dunno. So, what do you do if you don't get what you ask for? Your choice is simple. Accept the referral and change your mindset about who your new child will be, or decline the referral. And everyone has that right. However, if you decline a referral for a healthy child you may and likely will not be offered another.
In the discussion, some people thought it was HORRIBLE that one would even think of declining a referral based on gender. I wonder, though, if there is a difference between seeking out and accepting only a girl and staying with domestic adoption to adopt a child that is the same race. By looking for a same-race child to adopt, you're making a choice based on race and that seems to be an acceptable choice. Why would it be so horrible to seek a specific gender for adoption? I think it comes down to personal choice... that said, I don't think it's wrong of the CCAA to refuse another referral because you're not happy with the first - we're not shopping for babies, folks. Bottom line, I think anyone has a right to choose to accept or decline, and the officials have a right to deny you further options.
SO, what will WE do if Anna comes sporting a penis? I think we'll be very surprized, we'll need some time to adjust our mindset, grieve for the daughter we expected and eventually come up with a new name - "Anna" just won't fit on an NBA contract. Both Steve and I have a preference for a girl right now; we want Paxten to have a sister to enjoy as much as the boys adore each other - that's why we specifically asked for a girl and initially researched IA in China, as many of the other IA programmes are heavy with boy orphans. However we've actually moved quite a ways from the initial idea of adopting to have a GIRL towards adopting to have a CHILD. If Anna is destined to be a HE, we will accept him lovingly and gratefully into our family without a second thought. This journey is going to be long and frustrating at times, exciting and fulfilling at others, but throughout I have to believe it is destined. We are put on this path with little choice, and the end will be just as it should be with respect to when and where and how and who.
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