Hunger Strike

I've been eating so much crap lately. Crap. And way too much of it. Like the kind of moments where I'm holding the rest of the second (or third - yikes) donut and thinking to myself "I really should not eat this" or "THIS is where you (me) need to stop eating THIS kind of crap" and as I am distracted by all that self talk and reassurance, I look down to see the donut is gone. Crap.

So, today I decided to fast for a day. Well, YESTERDAY I decided to fast for a day which lasted exactly until I went through the McD's drivethru to get lunch for the kids to take to the movies at which point I flippantly ordered a Big Mac combo before I remembered I was having a day of fasting. Since I blew it with the burger, dinner comprised of toast with our yummy sugar filled jam, left over broccoli salad and icecream. Classic. ANYWAYS, so TODAY I was determined to see it through.

Before you get all huffy about the unhealthy choice of "dieting" by not eating, know that's not what I'm doing. Not eating today was not about losing weight or dieting, it was about a conscious effort to CONTROL what went in my mouth - in absolute terms. Not moderation. Control. Throughout the day I unconsciously made plans to eat several times. After telling a friend about my plan to fast, and explaining my motives, I asked her if she wanted to meet me for lunch. Feeding the kids required a constant if silent reminder to not pick food from their plates or from the left overs in the pan. Having them settled in bed (who's kidding? they're up there carrying on, I'm just ignoring it) is triggering Munchies for snacks I don't have - but I'd eat anything I see while I look for them if I started that way.

Eating has become unconscious for me. I eat without realizing I'm eating. I feel munchie without knowing what I want. I dish out food without consideration for portion sizes, and eat until the plate is empty just because it's there. I don't even LIKE chips, but will eat a whole bowlfull if they're within arm's reach. Today's fast was proof that I can THINK and choose mind over food. I CHOSE not to eat, in spite of being hungry, being frustrated, being bored, being lonely... Tomorrow the job will be to wake up and make the right, conscious choice and maintain the mindfulness of today while making choices.

Now that's all said, I can't say I understand how a hunger strike works, how does anyone LAST more than a day? More than a few hours? I'm pretty sure I don't feel that strongly about ANYTHING at this moment, except for maybe easy access to drivethrus and convenience of debit machines... Have I missed my own point?

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