Missing Anna this morning

Last night we received our referral. As before, when receiving previous referrals it wasn't done by mail, but by collecting a group of waiting parents together and sharing the information one at a time, much as I've imagined the Hand Off will be. Some of the families who received referrals last night were lucky enough to meet and visit shortly with their new child. We were among that lucky few. Anna was a delightful toddler. She had long black hair down past her sholders, held back by a thin headband. She had wispy bangs that were almost in her eyes, which she moved away absentmindedly with the back of her hand. She was beautiful; big dark eyes, dark skin and a huge smile. She wore odd-to-us clothes that were chosen by her nannies so that she could look special on her special day. Her "special need" was an undeveloped pinna of the ear, which surprized me b/c I fully expect a baby with cl/cp. She spoke Mandarin, but knew a few phrases in English, which she performed proudly and accurately if not in the appropriate context. We met her in a small sitting area of two couches, blocking out the commotion of the other families receiving their referrals. She stayed warily close to her nanny, unsure of us or the situation. We asked questions and wrote down answers, trying to find out the most and least important things that made her who she was in the five minutes we had to do so. What was her favourite food? How did she sleep? What was her medical history? Where was she found? I scrawled the answers down with haste so that when I close my eyes now, I can see the scrap paper but not make out the scribbles to find the answers. As the visit progressed, she became more comfortable with us, bringing us toys to show us how they worked, and eventually even agreeing to sit on my lap when she stubbed her toe.

The visit was tainted with the sense of passing time. Even though we were matched, and accepted the referral, we had to follow proceedure to submit the LOI, wait for LOA, TA, CA time, travel plans, which meant we had to leave this beautiful girl there. Perhaps realizing my body awakening I hurried to say an efficient goodbye to my new girl, giving her all the hugs and affection she'd accept from a new-met stranger.

I woke with tears in my eyes, and a heavy, lonely heart today.

N